I lost my way. At the beginning of February, I spiraled into an emotional mess and my life started to grow darker and darker. It felt as though I was losing my grip on my reality and I found myself in an environment where my dwindling self-worth, self-esteem and confidence festered. I’m taking complete ownership and responsibility for this phase in my life. I made choices that I felt I deserved at that time and I cannot blame anyone apart from myself.
I lied to myself and tried to convince myself to want a life and “career” that was the opposite of anything I had ever done. At first it felt good, but then the reality of the culture hit home fast and hard.
As I reflect, I’m surprised at myself for enduring it for as long as I did. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve left and it’s only now that I can think back and not cringe or recoil in shame. Not only that, but I wasn’t my best and I didn’t give my best because I shouldn’t have been there. I had somehow convinced myself that I didn’t deserve any better. When in fact, we all deserve the best.
Maybe it had something to do with the weather, but the dark cloud I felt above me each day during this time seemed to lift slightly. One day I heard a voice telling me to stop punishing myself. That evening I arrived home and updated my CV and covering letter and started to apply for roles that I was more suitable to. That day I began to climb out of my rut.
I even punched above my weight and found myself interviewing for a role beyond my experience. As the interview progressed, it started to become more apparent that I could do this role. I left the interview that day on a high. It felt great! The sun beamed down, and I walked back to my car with a smile on my face.
I started to think about all my goals and plans that I sat and wrote out before Christmas and a pang of sadness hit me. I have so much that I want to achieve, this blog being one of the many items on my goals list. For a split second I gave up. It’s a feeling I’ve had before, only this time the reality of what that meant hit home loud and clear.
Thank you for reading my post.